Having a Breakdown Isn't a Bad Thing
Seriously.
I've had several of them over the course of my career. I think the first one was when I was a younger nurse at a busy rehabilitation center.
I had a history of TBI, so my eyes didn't track across computer screens very well. I didn't realize it at the time, but that triggered a lot of anxiety—I'd gotten a promotion at work and was on the computer a lot more than I ordinarily would have been. I was so confused about why I was feeling that way. My depression took a huge leap because I thought I was just going crazy.
Later, years later, I found out what was going on and got treated. By that time I had already left the VA in another blaze of glory. Again, dying because of sitting at a computer screen 12 hours a day, not understanding what was going on. This time I found out the problem through a functional medicine practitioner and got the treatment I needed.
And I still blew my stack this last time at my last job. And got fired, as a perk.
The Breaking Point
I was trying so hard to keep it together. The computer monitor didn't cause my meltdown that day. It was a long string of things that triggered it.
When I would report something and received a dismissal response—"this wasn't against you personally, it was against all of us, we're not going to file a grievance." My department manager said that. Then a supervisor was hired who repeated the same things when we wanted to file a grievance. Followed by a "I don't know what to do about those guys."
But here's the thing. When management elected to respond to my concerns with dismissal—it was like my feelings were dismissed. Like what I thought didn't matter. What I felt didn't matter. The nurses themselves tried to make sure that we felt like we didn't matter. There was none of us on that unit with less than 10 years experience on the medical floor, and we were shunned by nurses with far less experience. Ignored. Or when we did persist, then they were able to file a complaint against us.
We just didn't matter.
How messed up is that?
The Real Question
Why would I or anyone else want to return to that kind of environment? How many of us experienced RNs have been pushed aside because we were no longer valid, or had good experience we could pass on to the next generation of nurses? Where has the disconnect happened?
I love to help people. Period. I don't care if they are my patient, an inexperienced RN, or Joe Schmoe on the street.
And I think there are a lot more of us out there.
Why is the newer generation of nurses so intimidated by us with more experience?
The Final Straw
I remember arguing with those nurses to manage someone's pain. If the patient is writhing in pain after having received pain medication an hour before—I would say that this situation needs to be re-evaluated. I would ask to have it re-evaluated and to contact the provider, and got yelled at by said LPN stating that she and the patient were operating under a pain contract and that I needed to stay out of it. She brought it to her charge nurse, all fit to be tied that I would dare question her clinical judgment and that I didn't have any right to do that. I was informed that I would no longer be able to assist with the medical care for her patients.
Nonsense. I saved all the messages and sent them to my manager and let this little nurse hang herself.
She walked. No consequences at all. I was disciplined.
That's unacceptable.
I refuse categorically to return to that kind of environment.
The Silver Lining
Here's what I've learned: having a breakdown isn't the end of the world. Sometimes it's exactly what you need to realize that you deserve better. That your experience matters. That your voice matters. That you don't have to accept being treated like you don't matter.
Sometimes a breakdown is actually a breakthrough in disguise.